i met a 16-year-old patient today who truly made my heart ache. she was born addicted to heroin, grew up watching her mother continue to use, and lost her mother to overdose. at that time, this girl – 14 years old at the time – began to use. two years later, she is lost to her addiction and terrified that she will meet the same fate as her mom.
listening to this girl’s story was so so hard.. and i fear that she won’t break the cycle. she has been to rehab 5 times and never stopped using, even while in these programs. her dad kicked her out of the house, and she is living in a youth group home that is not equipped to handle addicted teens. while her withdrawal is over, the urge is still there and the pain is great. i felt helpless, and it was exhausting just taking it all in.
the doc i work with was incredibly understanding, compassionate, and up front with her. he was so very honest and genuine, and it was so clear that he truly wanted to work with her to help her escape the cycle. the way that he was able to affirm her, hear her experience, and offer hope – THIS is what being a healer is all about. this type of approach is what i will continue to strive for.
i am currently a member of the vagina monologues 2010 cast at my university, and i have been thinking a lot about the final monologue that is performed, “i was there in the room”. the monologue talks about all the physicality mixed with pain and otherworldliness and joy and so many other emotions that arise in the miracle of childbirth. it is written from the point of view of the author, eve ensler, as she witnessed the birth of her granddaughter.
this monologue carries a greater significance to me now after i was graced with the opportunity of witnessing my first vaginal birth in guatemala, delivered by a mayan midwife.
it was amazing to watch the dynamics between these two women – the young, first-time mother howling into the unforgiving silence, calling on the saints to end the pain, while la comadrona fought against her resistance, pulling her knees up towards her chin, spreading her wide and forcing her to push. it was almost comical to see them struggle against each other, and so vastly different from the gentle, supportive, alternative birth assistant that one visualizes in american culture, cooing words of encouragement into the woman’s ear and rubbing her feet with lavender oil. while i couldn’t understand the admonishments in quiché, it was clear that the midwife was using her years of experience and wisdom in the ways of pregnancy and birth and women’s health to strong-arm this overwhelmed indigenous woman to face the reality of the sacrifice she was about to make.
the escalating pain with each contraction, the timid and resistant birth-naive vagina “a deep well with a tiny stuck child inside//waiting to be rescued”, and she was scaling, scaling amidst the shouts of the midwife, clutching a rag to her forehead, trying and giving up at the same time, and the finger was turning, turning, offering a glimpse of what was to come.
it happened so fast. when it seemed like the young woman could take no more, the child crowned and seemed to flow effortlessly into the wise comadrona’s arms. she cut and burned the cord to its ashen demise, wiped him clean, and handed the little one to me to swaddle in bits of cloth as she prepared for her other patients of the day. i kneeled at the bed, clothing him and staring in complete awe at a tiny new addition to this world. what was so very ordinary to these women was an incredible wonder to me, an immense gift, a tribute to the organic power of women. i was there in the room. and it was beautiful.
The heart is able to forgive and repair.
It can change its shape to let us in.
It can expand to let us out.
So can the vagina.
It can ache for us and stretch for us, die for us
and bleed and bleed us into this difficult, wondrous world.
i am a first-year medical student, with a checkered past for my 25 years, and a windy road that led me to my current career path.
i went to college expecting to follow the traditional pre-med path as a bio major, finishing all requirements in 3 years and entering medical school immediately upon graduation. however, i was fortunate to go to a liberal arts university that encouraged the pursuit of knowledge and a curiosity in interdisciplinary studies. soon i realized i was quite good at other things, like writing, critical analysis, social sciences. after dabbling in a number of courses that seemed to catch my eye – from women’s studies, to sexuality courses, civilization studies, foreign language, and much more – i decided to pursue a degree in sociology, the ultimate interdisciplinary subject that gave me room to explore a number of subjects but still carve out a more special path within this wide swatch of academia. i realized that many of the courses i was choosing had a cultural bent, especially in latino studies. i ended up adding on a second concentration – latin american studies – as a complement but also a sort of specialization in my primary field of sociology.
i had the opportunity to both study and work abroad in mexico and the dominican republic, and conducted original research on reproductive choices and contraceptive methods to examine how women’s decisions about a very personal issue can become quite influenced by forces outside of themselves – cultural mores, partner dynamics, political stances on reproduction and fertility, and much more. this research, along with my work as a sexual health educator and mentor for latina youth, helped me further define my interest in women’s health and empowerment. i feel so grateful that i had these experiences because they made me so much more aware of my privilege. i learned how i should not take it for granted, but also how i can use what i do have to empower others to have more control over their lives.
this translated into my work after graduation as a bilingual health educator, through the americorps program, in a medically underserved community. every day, i worked intensively with patients who were downtrodden, frustrated, and facing many obstacles – both personal and societal – that stood in the way of achieving health and well-being. nevertheless, these difficulties were an incredible teaching experience, both for me and my patients, as we partnered together to find solutions to seemingly insurmountable challenges. we brainstormed ways to find fresh produce in a community where the only food available is taquerias and gas stations. we discussed resources to pay for medications that keep diabetes and blood pressure under control. we built upon patients’ strengths and assets to create manageable goals towards achieving weight loss. it was tough work, but it was unbelievably satisfying to come into the clinic every day, knowing that i could make a real impact on helping patients’ pursue new directions towards a healthier life. i also balanced this work with shadowing an osteopathic physician in a more affluent area. during this time, i cultivated a great appreciation for prioritizing the patient-physician relationship with compassion, therapeutic touch, and that extra bit of time to truly connect with the patient and uncover other issues that may be lying beneath the surface.
this intensive work with patients revitalized my motivation to pursue a career in medicine. i was fortunate to have these incredible hands-on experiences, but they needed to be complemented by a stronger academic performance to ensure my success in medical school. i embarked on a graduate program in medical sciences, which gave me the extra scientific background i needed to enter health professions school with a strong foundation upon which to build my basic and clinical sciences education. i also further explored the human services field as a hospice volunteer and geriatric social worker in a very poor urban community that highlighted for me the often overlooked aging population, in great need of services and quality health care.
and that brings me to the present – i entered medical school as a non-traditional student, meaning i didn’t begin my medical studies immediately after completing my undergraduate education, and i am so grateful for the experiences i had that led me to where i am today. i am having an incredible time, doing what i love and always learning, exploring, growing. another entry will be devoted to my current commitments outside of the classroom – why i chose these activities, and how i feel they are preparing me to be a better physician in the future.
hopefully this gives you a better idea of what led me to this path, and how this past will continue to influence my future decisions. it’s been a fun ride so far, but the journey is really only beginning.